"A Little Less than Nothing" Response

        Tyra is a popular, beautiful, and self-aware high school girl living in Everett, Washington. She alternately approves of and disapproves of her two friends, Bretta and Haley, and struggles to move past the heartache of a breakup with her former high school boyfriend, Darren. One day, an outfit her father had warned her against wearing causes an older male teacher to implicitly proposition her, and she rejects his advances with disgust, deciding to change her pattern of dress to avoid incidents like these in the future.
        One characteristic of this story that I really admired was the narrative risk the author took in writing for a character of a different gender than himself. I believe this is the first story we've workshopped as a class to do this, and I commend the author for his bravery, as I know I've tried and failed to write a convincing character of a gender besides mine. I think his female character's voice was convincing except in small instances when typically male expressions slipped out, like "I mean, hell..." I also enjoyed the wry, sarcastic, and often offensive voice of the character developed throughout the story, especially in lines like "How's my little nail painter this morning?" when addressing Brita, who is half-Vietnamese. I can see how the character has internalized some of the misogyny present in our culture, like when she asks Haley to tone down her "sex appeal" so Tyra appears more beautiful, and when she implicitly competes with Bretta, who is dressed better than usual, but denigrating her appearance as looking "like a maid."
        I enjoyed the story's unlikeable characters, but I wish the plot did more to showcase them. As the story is now, there doesn't seem to be any real conflict until the next to last page, with the exception of the small dispute with Tyra and her father at the very beginning. The characters of Bretta and Haley are mostly fleshed out to be crucial side-characters, but once the girls reach the school they are almost immediately discarded and never heard from again. The story is short enough as it is that the conflict can be complicated and prolonged without having to sacrifice any of the valuable narration at the middle of the story. I don't buy that the narrator would so immediately and so unequivocably turn down the teacher's offer, given how eager she seems for recognition of her beauty and talent, and the wistful way she describes her former relationship with Darren. Also, there are a few places when the characters, as teenage girls, become cliched. In the dialogue when they arrive at school, the use of "like" and "totally" make Haley seem like the walking "dumb blonde" cliche. Perhaps to remedy this, the perception of Haley as dumb and almost worthless could be a projection of the narrator's self-importance, and Haley contributes to their conversation intelligently. This would call into question the reliability of the narrator to accurately depict reality, which would make her descriptions and actions much more shaded with doubt and subjectivity than presently, where everything she says is exactly confirmed.

"The Young Man and the Lake" Response

         Mike is an aspiring professional fisherman preparing for a major tournament against the disapproval of his father. After a night out of underage drinking and a conversation with his father, Mike discovers that his friend Dave is planning to use his possible tournament winnings to go to college, rather than pursue professional fishing together like they’d planned. 

I loved the opening paragraph, with its humor and direct address to the reader, but it didn’t seem like either of these characteristics were sustained across the whole of the story, something I would have enjoyed. I would like to know why Mike is addressing us such, who he is addressing, and from what temporal distance the narration is occurring. Another thing I enjoyed about “The Young Man and the Lake” is the precise employment of terms to describe the fishing equipment and techniques, which clearly reinforces what the reader will later learn about the narrator, that he has a long-standing passion for fishing. 

The primary conflict of the story seems to be the troubled relationship between Mike and his father. Though this conflict was partially resolved with the conversation the two had after Mike returned from the bar, it didn’t seem to fully conclude. A full and complete conclusion isn’t strictly necessary for a story, but I feel like the relationship shown in the story ended in nearly the same place it began, with the father unsure of his son’s chances of winning the fishing tournament and disapproving of lack of future plans. The conversation with the father introduces the second conflict, of Mike feeling betrayed by Dave’s plans to enter college and forgo professional fishing. This second conflict will end the story on an inconclusive note, but I think it was too recently introduced to give the conclusion the weight it deserves. Finally, some specificity in the setting of the story, as well as the age, appearance, etc of the characters would have been helpful. We know the lake that the young men fish at is “Goose Pond,” but little beyond that about the setting or characters, beyond that they are underage young men in a presumably rural area. 

"Three Things Cannot Long Be Hidden" Response

        The speaker, Lanie, is a police officer assigned to partner with the fiancé, Philip, of her sister Rachel. Lanie and Philip had a brief affair before Lanie realized his identity, and she is now pregnant with her future brother in law’s child. Lanie must deal with the guilt of how she has betrayed her sister, and the emotional trauma of working a difficult case with someone she now detests. 

There were several things I enjoyed about this story. One thing was the in media res opening, which there the reader immediately into the principle conflict of the story, that of partnering with Philip. Another thing I enjoyed was how the narration gave the reader certain clues about the speaker, ones that from her characterization we can assume she would be unlikely to expend time and energy explaining. An example of this I found was when Lanie says that “Philip is one of those cops who are good cops but bad people, which you would think would be impossible…” The reader knows that there are many “bad” and corrupt police officers, but the fact that Lanie comments that this is so unlikely gives a clue to the fervency with which she loves her profession. 

However, I would have liked to learn much more about Lanie, Rachel, and Philip as people, particularly the relationship between the two sisters, as this could give more of a clue as to why Lanie cannot bring herself to tell Rachel about Philip’s infidelity. Right now, her silence on the matter seems inexplicable. The addition of more introspective thought, narration, or memory, rather than mostly dialogue, in the scene between them, could help this. Second, the story begins on a high note of tension, with Lanie’s exclamatory curses and sentences like “My insides freeze over.” It seems like the tension already begins so high that it cannot build steadily to the climax. I would suggest beginning with more neutral language that still communicates her distress, or rearranging the scenes of the story so the tension can build more steadily. Also, the first page of the story makes a reference to a “screw up” Lanie made the previous month, which is why she was assigned a partner. The reader never learns what this mistake was, but including it could give characterization and a point of vulnerability to a character that seems somewhat impenetrable.

"The Record that Defined My Summer" Response

        The unnamed narrator experiences a painful break-up with his girlfriend of three years. As he drives home, he flashes back to his memories of their time together, seeking reconciliation of memory and reality.
        There were several things I enjoyed about this story. One was the subtle hints of humor pervading the voice of the narrator. I saw these in passages like: "We went to La Parilla for dinner. It was one of those chain Mexican restaurants that looked like it was really fun from the outside, but all the food was crap, but I took her anyway because that's where she wanted to go." Excluding the problematic double conjunction, I'd like to see more of this humor throughout the story, as I think it could help vary the tone. Another characteristic of this story I enjoyed was the level of detail, which is occasional but fitting to the concept of story as primarily memory. For example, noting that his girlfriend's dress is patterned with penguins is familiar to the hazy and inconsistent quality of memory.
       However, there were several flaws I found with this story. The primary one I found was the inconsistency between past and present tense. Though the story is ostensibly primarily in past tense, with flashbacks to further past, there were many times when present tense was used, which distracted me from the content of the story. This problem was evident from the first sentences, "The sky is so blue that day." "That day" leads me to believe this is memory, but the present tense "is" confuses this. Another issue I found was the sameness in sentence structure. So many sentences, especially in a row, begin with "I," and utilize the same uncomplicated structure. Simplicity isn't a bad thing, but make sure to keep the structure interesting, above all. Lastly, the bulk of this story consists in the speaker simply telling us exactly what was happening (as in "The reason why we were at the lake was because it was some trip for the seniors who were about to graduate. . .") or how he was feeling ("I continued to deny the idea that I would be alone, and feeding the idea that I was this perfect guy. . ."), rather than showing the reader through action and characterization.

"Train Wrecked" Response

        Juniper, or “Junie,” has moved from Boston to North Carolina seeking to put behind her the ghosts of a complicated past involving  a mysterious accident that left her best friend, Anna, seriously injured. At her new school, Junie meets a girl named Amberly who helps her to open up and enjoy her life again, before her secrets are resurfaced and her future is left in limbo. 

One thing I really enjoyed about this story was the tension that is built throughout by the subtle references to Junie’s mysterious and dark past. This is introduced from the very beginning, on page 3, when Junie says obliquely, “Somtimes I think the accident hurt her more than it hurt me, or Anna.” I also enjoyed how aspects of Junie’s character, like her observance of fashion, were kept up throughout the story, from the first time Junie compares her mother’s hair to someone from a fashion TV show, to her terming of Amberly’s wardrobe as “shabby chic.” 

The conflict throughout the majority of the story seems to be social, focused around Junie fitting into her new home and school, but the concluding conflict has to do with Junie’s mysterious past and the accident that befell her and Anna. I would suggest introducing and emphasizing the fact that Junie has lied to both police and her mother about what really happened more frequently. I know the author wants to keep the backstory mysterious, but I found myself confused at several points putting the story together. Also, there are several points in the narrative where Junie “summarizes” the action that is occurring, rather than the events being included fully in dialogue and action. For example, as Amberly is explaining her past, Junie narrates, “She laughter and explained that she was once like me. She categorized people. The cool kids, the art freaks, the band geeks, everything. That was unti her mother died.” This could be communicated in a simple conversation, and would feel like less of a break in the flow of the two girls’ conversation. Finally, I personally wished for more finality in the ending, which in its current state feels like a “cliffhanger,” and more like the first chapter of a book than a complete short story in itself. This might be difficult to change, but one possible solution is to only focus on Junie’s social adjustment rather than the possible criminality of the “accident.”

"Chieko and the Sea of Trees" Response

        The unnamed narrator is a depressed, withdrawn loner from Georgia who travels to a “Suicide Forest” in Japan with the intent of committing suicide. After making preparations, just as he is about to commit the act, he is stopped by a young woman named Chieko. The narrator learns, from her conversation, that his suicidal aims were selfish and misguided, and he resolves to live his life with intention from then on. 

I enjoyed how the sentence structure of the first person narration reflects the mindset of the character. Just as the sentences begin and end similarly, creating a monotonous tone (Ex. “I have a dead end job… I have no kids… I am 27.”), so do the narrator’s days proceed monotonously, which provides some of the motivation for his desire to end his own life. 

However, there were some significant flaws I found within this story. Some of the passage of narration seemed to be telling exactly what the reader needed to hear, not showing through setting, description, or action, which would be more interesting. For example, whereas in the story’s current state the narrator says “It is 11 PM on this rain-washed Friday,” a revision could include sensory detail or images about the rain, the jet lag of the narrator, which could include a description of time and day. I also had an issue with setting the story in present tense. I think it would be more interesting to set it as a memoir in past tense, or maybe reorganize it as a diary, if present tense is necessary. With present tense, I didn’t feel a cohesive sense of time passing, so when Chieko says it has been 30 minutes since the narrator had the noose around his neck, I was taken aback. In addition, some of the dialogue between the narrator and Chieko seemed a little formal or forced. For example, it is difficult to imagine one stranger saying to another, “So, you’ve never ventured outside your small existence…” The reader has some very factual information about the character (age, hometown, job, family) but this is stated so bluntly and without emotion that the reader feels little sympathy for the narrator, and his self-pity feels excessive rather than invoking of genuine sympathy. Like I want to know more about the narrator, I also want to know more about Chieko. Besides the death of her father, the reader knows absolutely nothing about her, not even age, ethnicity, appearance, etc. I suggest giving her character much more depth, so the reader will feel a connection to her persuasion. 

Second Creative Writing Event Response

         I attended the second of this semester’s Third Thursday Poetry Series, at the Jules Collins Smith Museum of Art. I attended the first event and enjoyed it immensely, but I was apprehensive about attending this one, solely because I planned to read one of my own poems during the open mic section. I thought my reading went well, and it was a huge confidence boost, as my social anxiety usually prevents me from sharing my work publicly, especially in front of professors and even a few professional poet. 

The entire night seemed to me like a personal exercise in breaking stereotypes. One of the open mic readers, a distinguished-looking older woman, included in her poem a phrase similar to “fucking your brains out,” or something in the same vein. Another of the open mic readers, a man dressed in a camp print hat, a plaid shirt, and cowboy boots, rather than a poem closer to his assumed purview, read a touching poem about the alienation felt by a young girl. Finally, Tom Crawford, in his tight pink t-shirt and huge silver belt-buckle, subverted all my expectations about what a poetry reading could, and possibly should, be. 

It takes a special kind of humanity to arrive to your own poetry reading swigging Heineken and dressed like my grandpa on vacation. I had read several of Tom Crawford’s poems before arriving at the reading, and was excited to hear the poet himself real them aloud. However, he didn’t really do that. He interrupted the readings and interjected stuff like “stay with me know” so frequently that sometimes I was unsure if he was reading the poem or directly addressing the audience. His “poetry voice” was so similar to his natural voice that the two seemed indistinguishable. Mr. Crawford spoke more than he read, and I did enjoy some of the original things he discussed. He focused some of his discussion on the topics poets, himself included, choose about which to write. He has written at least one volume chiefly concerning birds. In expanding hugely upon an apparently simple theme, he raised more complex question like the poet’s relationship with the natural world, and it’s power to inspire self-reflection. Another concept he spoke of that I really enjoyed was his emphasis that life’s quotidian encounters, struggles, and conflicts are the stuff of poetry, and more generally, of all creative writing, not necessarily solely the grand and eternal. He emphasized that one’s personal journey and experiences are both real and important, for oneself and for poetry. A direct phase he used I wrote down was: “What’s real is inside you and not outside. You have to go there for the poetry,” with which I agree. Hearing messages like this strengthened my resolve to focus meaning in my work in the material which corresponds to the abstract I wish to convey. In this way, as a writer I should convey the spiritual and true that can be found in the quotidian of life and human experience.